Ladies and gentlemen, I have a fear. I have a fear that has kept me up for so many nights, as I’ve laid there in my bed with tears running down the side of my face. I’m not ashamed to admit that this thought has scared me and still does, so much .. I can’t bare to think about it, but seeing as it’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past hour .. then what better way is there to share it with you all than to put it on here.
It’s like a confession session. Sure you want to stick around? aha
This fear, as the title suggests, is the fear that I will never amount to anything. For years, as I’ve gone through secondary school, then 6th form, and now I am coming to the end of my time at university .. there has always been this question that everyone has felt the need to ask me. “So what are you going to do after?”. The thing is, I got off lightly by being able to say, “Oh, just carrying on with education for now” .. I could leave secondary school for 6th form, leave 6th form for university .. but now I’m at the last junction on the road of ‘life preparation’. I have no choice now, I have to choose what I’m going to do. This is where my fears come in.
I won’t lie to you all, I have no idea what on Earth I am going to do. I’m near the end of the degree I’m doing, whether I will pass it or not is another matter, but I’m near the end nonetheless. I currently have a weekend job, and a rather painful one at that. I don’t want to be one of those people that have a degree, and then just become a manager in the store they were working at before they started it. I want to do something with my life, something worth while. Yet, I have a problem, I can’t seem to find that ‘something’ that I want to devote my life to yet, and for the time being, I don’t see the epiphany arriving anytime soon. I am so scared that I am going to just drift from job to job, never really amounting to anything in my life .. and letting down all the people that have encouraged me to do so much more. For those of you that don’t know, I’ve got a HND in music production, and I’ll hopefully have a degree by May .. a BA in Music Practice and Production. Now I know what you might be thinking, ‘what the hell can you do with that anyway?’ .. and you’d be asking pretty much the same question I’m asking. I’m lost, I really don’t know what to do.
Teaching. Everyone falls back on teaching when they don’t know what they want to do. Whilst it would be a good job to say I have, I can’t say I’m that great with children. I get so nervous and I feel so awkward around kids, my mum reckons I used to be good when my brothers were little .. I used to be good at interacting with kids. I guess that comes down to the fact that I was a kid at the time. I’ve grown up, I’ve become more wary of what people think of me and one of the side effects of that is my inability to feel comfortable speaking to anyone I don’t know. I don’t know what it comes down to, but I’m quite a nervous person around people I’ve never met, and although I’m told constantly ‘it’s alright Tom, you’ll probably never meet them again’ .. in my head, that doesn’t matter. The fact is, I’m useless in those situations .. I’m what I guess you could call, ‘socially awkward’. I don’t like big groups of people, I don’t like talking to people I don’t know and I’m not overly good around kids. Teaching? Yeah, I’d say it’s not for me .. aha.
I do music practice, and I don’t like getting up on stage in front of people. Go figure.
When I say ‘amount to something’ .. I don’t mean, be famous or anything like that. I just mean, not let people down .. not be a failure. I want to make people proud of me, for what I’ve done and not just because they feel they have to say it. I just wish I knew how to do it. I’m in a rut in my head where I can’t think of a way out .. I’m in a dead end job, I’m in loads of debt from a university degree, and I can’t think of anything I’m going to be able to do with that degree. I just want to find some kind of direction, but I don’t know where to look.
In the end, this is how I want my life to pan out. I want to live with my girlfriend, I want to get married, I want to have kids, I want a husky, I want to have a loving family and a loving household like the one my family brought me up in .. I don’t want to let everyone down by not being able to achieve that, all down to the fact I could never find a direction for my life. Yes, I’m only 20/21 .. but the fact is, if I can’t find it now, when I’m young and ‘ambitious’ .. then how will I ever find it? I just want to be ‘somebody’, not ‘anybody’.
I realise this may come across as a bit depressive, but it’s just one of the many things that keep me awake at night. I am so scared that all of this education and what not, has been for nothing. I did the course at university because it was something I enjoyed, but in the real world .. I guess none of that matters. It’s not about what you like to do, it’s about what you need to do .. to get by. I know that my family will support me regardless of what I end up doing .. and likewise, my girlfriend ..
I just want to amount to something. I want to make you proud.